So. In some ways, things improve. In others there remains an impenetrable dark cloud that follows me around. I remain anxious, uptight and waiting for the chickens to come home to roost…and last week some of them did, in the form of a certified letter from the IRS.

This is not a surprise- how could it be? I’ve known that one day they’d cast their eye my way, and further that it’s my own fault for letting things get the way they are now. My only explanation (not excuse) is that hubby’s stroke left him unable to explain the various complicated financial dealings that have gone on, and I panicked and made like an ostrich, knowing, absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt, that a day of reckoning would come.

And here it was. And it very nearly made me vomit on my shoes. But it was Saturday- my work week’s Monday, and I was on the way out the door. Sunday, I figured (but didn’t verify) I couldn’t call a government office anyway. By Monday I’d decided that setting aside Thursday- my next day off – would make more sense, rather than stressing myself out and then having to go work all night upset.

Except, that doesn’t really compute, because I was already jacked up to 11. Constantly nauseous, unable to focus, my performance at work was terrible. And the deadline growing closer by the day. Coming home from work Wednesday night, I wondered if I’d be able to get even a little sleep. Kept trying to tell myself that this was a good thing- the only way out is through, etc etc.

And then a little bit of nudge from the universe, in the form of NPR’s On Point which was rebroadcasting an episode on “Inspiration Through Procrastination.” Here, I met Andrew Santella, author of “Soon: An Overdue History of Procrastination, From Leonardo and Darwin to You And Me,” which I will now have to buy, and Tim Urban, blogger and hugely popular Ted Talk giver:

I liked Tim, but Andrew’s more scholarly explanations hit home for me, including when he discussed perfectionism and procrastination’s linkage…maybe not so much in reference to the current IRS crises, but why I haven’t written, or created, or… anything much. Because I’m afraid that, given my current responsibilities and distractions, they won’t be any good. So I do nothing of consequence but feel miserable instead of relaxed.

Kind of like Tim’s Dark Playground, “It’s where leisure activities happen when leisure activities aren’t supposed to be happening. The fun you have in the Dark Playground isn’t actually fun, because it’s completely unearned, and the air is filled with guilt, dread, anxiety, self-hatred, all those “good” procrastinator feelings.”

But, but but! I’m tired, I’ve been being a caretaker, and dealing with the house, and at work until 2am, but but but. But those 2 hours a night you spend just screwing off on your phone…that wouldn’t have been better spent just knocking some thoughts together? Or, hey, how about gathering those tax documents?

And then, because the universe really does have an amazing sense of humor, when the show was over and I flipped the channel, the opening notes of this were just starting off, and I laughed so hard I cried. And that was before I saw this cheezy video:

It broke through in some way, and I’m sure that having a solid deadline in front of me helped. But the next day I called and had an hour long conversation and mia culpa with the IRS. I have a plan. And I will have a lot of debt, but the not knowing is worse than that.

I have a few other really big things to deal with- but now there’s some momentum, and hey- I threw this together in 20 minutes and I’m just going with it. For once I’m not going to overthink it (too many multimedia links, prob), I’m going to work on just DOING.

To that end, and for once in my life, I’m just going to hit Publish and walk away, this time with reasonable expectations to be back in fewer than 4 months.